


i hate you ( i don't care )

by betterblue97



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, Gay, Hate Sex, Hate to Love, Lots of Angst, M/M, Smoking, Trippy, aesthetic, drunk/high a lottttt, first fic, joshler - Freeform, makes you think, overall weird and trippy, planned/intended suicide, self harm tw, sexual/sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-04-24 19:41:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19180084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betterblue97/pseuds/betterblue97
Summary: josh hates tyler, and tyler hates josh.neither of them care.right?





	i hate you ( i don't care )

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic idea. please enjoy!
> 
> WARNING WARNING:  
> self-harm, drugs, alcohol, and mental illness are in this fic.  
> there is sex, and also suicide mentions. 
> 
> NOTE: i am not trying to romanticize self-harm or mental illness at all. self-harm is not "beautiful" or a "work of art." it is sad, people who do self-harm, please please know that you are loved by many, including me. please try and stay alive, we all care about you. <3 please do not misinterpret this fic, please.

**monday, june 10th, 2012**

 

tyler took a sip out of the silver flask he had in his hand. he pulled his sweatshirt sleeves a little bit higher, so they went to his elbow and not the middle of his forearm. 

josh dangled his legs off of the rusted fire escape outside of his broken down apartment that could give away to the pressure and collapse at any moment. tyler sometimes stepped down on the rustiest parts a bit rougher, hoping maybe the fire escape would fall and break one day and they would both plummet to the concrete below and die quickly.

josh offered tyler the pipe. it had shitty weed packed at the top. tyler didn't care, he was pretty much high all the time on something. josh didn't know if he had ever seen tyler while he wasn't high. tyler took it and inhaled deeply, blowing smoke back out after a little bit.

josh looked at the orange sun that was setting slowly over the crumbling buildings of this old city. he turned to tyler and looked at the bandages around his arms. 

"how deep?" he asked him, looking at tyler's ash brown eyes. josh hid the underlying worry in his quiet voice.

"don't know." tyler didn't look away from the sun as he spoke. "i don't check anymore."

josh knew that if he asked another question, tyler wouldn't answer, so he looked back. 

they shared the weed until it was gone and they were as high as kites. tyler slid over to josh on the rusty metal bars and sat on top of him, pressing his chapped lips to josh's. 

"i hate you, joshua dun," he said, taking his shirt off and making josh do the same.

"i don't care."

 

 

**tuesday, june 11th, 2012**

 

josh laid on the fire escape, looking down into the street.

he wasn't waiting for tyler to come up, that wasn't it at all. it's not like he had been waiting there for 47 minutes and 13 seconds, staring down and looking for the familiar glimpse of russet brown hair and the dark, ratty sweatshirt of a certain someone.

that was a lie. 

49 minutes, 17 seconds.

josh turned on his side.

55 minutes, 57 seconds.

josh fell asleep.

 

**wednesday, june 12th, 2012**

 

tyler climbed up the bars and saw josh laying there, asleep. 

he decided to sit there till he woke up, and he eventually did.

tyler looked at josh. josh looked at tyler.

joshua sat up and looked at the sun, then back at tyler. neither of them spoke for a long time.

"i waited for 55 minutes and 57 seconds." he said.

tyler shrugged.

"okay."

josh turned back to the sun, then back to tyler who was unwrapping his bandaged arms.

"why did you wait?" tyler asked after a while. he threw the bandages to the street below. they landed on the tan concrete of the alleyway beneath their feet.

josh shrugged. he didn't want to talk right then.

"because you hate me?" tyler continued, stretching his arms and reaching into his pocket to get a cigarette.

josh didn't speak. instead, he looked at tyler's tan skin, looked at his arms. he saw the angry red lines. he saw the tiny red holes. injection spots, he noted. he saw the words, "joshua dun" carved into tyler's left arm, 4 inches above his wrist. the letters were pointed and sharp. they were angry and harsh and ugly.

josh reached out a hand and placed it on that spot of tyler's skin, looking at it more. it wasn't right.

tyler took a swiss army knife out of his back pocket and threw his cigarette through the holes in the wire of the fire escape's floor. he sat on josh's hips, and took his arm. his touch was surprisingly gentle. he turned josh's arm over and begun.

josh almost protested. but he found himself barely feeling anything at all.

when he finished, josh inspected his arm. blood. blood, and ten letters. it wasn't beautiful. it was disgusting. and he said nothing.

**_blurryface_ **

tyler licked the blood off and spat it down into the street.

josh stared. he didn't speak. he didn't feel. tyler climbed down the ladder to the other level below's fire escape.

josh watched him go.

tyler didn't say he hated josh.

josh didn't care. he really didn't. he didn't. he didn't. he did... he didn't.

 

 

**thursday, june 13th, 2012**

 

 tyler came up 14 minutes and 11 seconds late, but josh didn't say anything. he didn't say anything when he saw that tyler had tears running down his face, although he almost did.

tyler climbed up the bars, hurrying and scrambling to get up, grabbing josh's body to help him. he sat down with a lot of force on the rustiest spot of the escape, the bars rattling. he was making little sounds.

josh didn't do anything, because he didn't know how to do anything in these circumstances.

soon, tyler's little sounds faded and tyler moved closer to josh.

"joshua," tyler said. joshua looked towards tyler as he said his name, and they met eyes.

"i am going to kill myself in four days."

josh stared. 

"how?" he asked tyler.

tyler pointed to the ground.

josh nodded. 

"from here?" he asked him.

"yes. from right here." tyler looked at he spot he was sitting in. 

neither of them said anything for so long.

"i'll miss this, i think." josh said. it took him so long to get the words out, he thought they would get caught in his throat and suffocate himself so he would be the one to die first, not tyler. 

tyler paused for a second in lighting his blunt.

"i think." josh added. "but i hate it. like i hate you."

tyler nodded. 

"obviously."

they smoked, then wasted no time in losing their clothes and tyler's head traveling down, down, down....

 

 

**friday, june 14th, 2012**

 

tyler was early. he thought he would get there before josh did, but josh seemed to always be there.

"you're on time." josh said. tyler hadn't expected that.

"i'm early." 

josh shrugged. 

"time doesn't exist," he said. "my right now can be someone else's past. my past is someone's future. and my future is someone's past."

tyler nodded.

"but i don't think you care." josh said, sitting up more and reaching into tyler's sweatshirt pocket to take out his flask. he drank a huge amount of it in one go.

"you're right," tyler said, shrugging and trying to take the drink back. josh didn't let go.

"so if i do this," josh said, drinking the rest of the alcohol. "it doesn't matter. we have all the time in the world. no, we don't, though, because time isn't real. we have.. we have nothing. nothing matters. what i do won't matter.. say.. an hour from now. if i died right this second, nothing would change. you would keep doing what you do. nobody would realize i was gone. nobody. nothing is real. nothing."

tyler listened to everything josh had to say. he never talked this much.

"am i real?" tyler asked josh, a glint of something in his eyes.

josh looked at him. he had a glint of something different in his eyes.

"no, you aren't. and i hate you."

tyler didn't move for a second, and then brought himself up on his knees. he pulled his hand back and punched josh as hard as he could in the face. josh, for once, reacted, by pulling back for a moment.

"was that real?" tyler asked josh, a snarl in his voice.

josh sat up, grabbed tyler by the shoulders, and shoved him to the bottom wire. tyler's breath was knocked out of his body as he was pressed down roughly into the rusty grate flooring that was so high in the sky. the wire pressed sharp into his back through his sweatshirt.

"nope." he said, his eyes calm but his lip bloody.

tyler struggled to get out of his grip, but he couldn't. he laid there, weak, his eyes pained as he stared at josh.

josh let go for a second, then came back down, hard, crashing his lips into tyler's. tyler, surprised, but still angry, crashed his lips right back into josh's. 

and what happened after, that was obvious.

 

 

**saturday, june 15th, 2012**

 

tyler came up crying again, and he was 13 minutes and 4 seconds late. he brought no drugs, he brought no alcohol, he brought no knife. he brought himself, that was all. when he climbed up the shaky ladder, he was quick to sit right next to josh, their shoulders touching.

josh didn't say anything, but he moved over and wiped the tears off of tyler's face with his surprisingly gentle hand. tyler looked at josh for a second.

"i have two days." he said, matter-of-factly. josh nodded and took his hand away.

"you have one day, and 23 hours, and 27 seconds." 

tyler considered this.

"if time isn't real, why do you know so much about it?" he asked josh, scratching some scabs on his legs in little fine lines.

josh didn't answer him, so tyler went on with anther question for josh.

"will you be here?" tyler asked josh, beginning to unwind the bandages on his arms again, as he had done the other day. josh looked over at his arms, then he met eyes with the ash-eyed boy with the messy brown hair and the crooked teeth and the cracked and bloody lips and the small and broken frame.

"have you ever seen me anywhere other than right here, tyler?" josh asked him, his voice all made of fog and mist and stars.

tyler thought for a second about that, trying to think about the times he had spent with josh, his mind all fog and mist and stars.

"maybe," he started. "i don't remember things very well."

"maybe that's for the best?"

tyler nodded. "i think so. i remember some of the worst parts."

josh nodded and coughed a little bit as tyler went on.

"it's hard to remember the good. i don't think there was ever any good, maybe not until i met you." he said as a statement.

josh didn't react at first, then he chose to speak

"is any of this good, to you?" he asked tyler, genuinely wanting to know. "as a real question."

tyler sighed, his breath all smoke and velvet. 

"it's better than what was."

josh didn't know what was, yet in a way he did. he considered tyler for a moment, looking at him and every part of him.

"where do you go?" tyler asked the boy with the curly oak hair, the black-hole stare eyes, the gentle hands, the strong and steady frame, and the careless mind.

josh sat up more and took tyler's shoulders, laying him down on the fire escape, gentler than he had last time, and slowly took the smaller boy's shirt off.

"i don't go," he said, throwing his own shirt off and moving down to tyler's pants. "i don't have anywhere to be. i dont have any _one_ to be."

tyler shivered against the metal grate as he was flipped onto his stomach and bit back a sigh of exhilaration and pleasure from what was going on below his waist.

 

"maybe i'm not real. after all, nothing is."

 

 

**sunday, june 16th, 2012**

 

"one more day," tyler said, passing the cigarette back to josh and kicking the wire on the bottom of the grate a few times, then settling on his back and looking up at the orange and pink sky, now fading to darker blue, soon to be black with pinpoints of white.

josh nodded and moved right next to tyler.

 _23 hours, 47 minutes, and 17 seconds,_ josh thought inside his head. he chose not to say it out loud.

"i'm gonna miss this," josh stated. tyler crawled closer to josh and pulled his arm over and inspected the engravings in his arm that he had made a few days before, impressed with how it looked.

josh continued, to tyler's surprise.

"although time isn't real, and i'm not real, and you hate me, and i hate you, the things we did up here were real."

tyler hadn't expected that, and he took the cigarette back and taking a long drag before letting the smoke escape through his lips.

"what will you do when i'm gone?" tyler asked josh.

josh tried to think of an answer. he tried, he tried for longer than he should have. when he finally stopped trying, he gave a small shrug.

"don't worry about it."

and tyler didn't. at least, that's what he forced himself to think, but his subconscious knew. his subconscious was always right.

as tyler was climbing down that night after making love with joshua dun, he paused for a second. he looked at him. he looked at his face, his body. he also looked at the place he sat at every day. he looked at the orange hazy sun disappearing behind the crooked and shitty buildings. he looked at the ground. he looked back at josh. he less looked at josh himself, but more so at his fine details. he analyzed his deep eyes and his fading mess of hair and his... his... he realized he was staring, blinked once, and climbed down, not looking back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he was gonna miss this, too.

 

 

  **monday, june 17th, 2012**

 

 josh sat. when it was almost time for him to be here, he expected a long delay, but no. josh saw the messy haired, brown eyed, tatter-clothed tyler rounding the corner below and climbing the ladder only 34 seconds later than he always came. 

 

tyler came up, saying nothing, and sat right by josh. it was half dark out already, so from where he was sitting and from the sun's glare, josh couldn't see his face too clear.

neither of them said anything, although josh noted that it was 3 minutes and 4 seconds past the exact moment tyler had planned on doing what he was going to do. josh didn't say that out loud, though. he shoved it in the back of his mind. 

tyler shifted, and josh's head snapped a little too fast to analyze what exact movement tyler was making. tyler got up a little too fast and josh followed a little too fast and tyler was breathing a little too fast and josh's heart was pounding a little too fast.

the sun was too orangeish pink, the lines on tyler's arm too faded, the clock in the back of josh's mind was ticking too soft like he had forgotten it. maybe he had.

tyler's eyes went from the ground to the sun to the city. the city, the view from the fire escape. it was so familiar to tyler that he could probably draw an exact replica of it from memory, although he had thought he could only remember the bad things in life. maybe not, because he remembered every second he was with josh. 

tyler's eyes then went to josh. tyler wasn't high, or drunk, or anything. this was real. this was him. they both turned to each other at the exact same time, and parted their lips slightly, as to speak. 

tyler looked towards the ground.

neither of them seemed to be able to speak.

neither of them knew if they wanted to speak, although they could feel what they needed to say.

they both looked away for a second, and then back.

and both of their lips, one pair chapped and bloody, the other soft and smooth, spoke each other's name.

"tyler."

"joshua."

and in those two simple words, everything that they had ever held back, every sob, sigh, gasp, outburst, smile, laugh, or feeling they had ever gone through was spoken. every word left unsaid was brought into the open.

nothing was more beautiful than the raw emotion brought out. all the things they had tried to hide were revealed, and it was beautiful.

every sob they had hidden from each other, their scars left unseen, feelings held inside and words left unspoken was thrown out there for the other to see. and it was with those two words that tyler did not jump off. he jumped, but this jump was the kind that was right into joshua's arms.

he looked up at joshua dun, the beautiful, amazing, man before him. joshua looked down at tyler joseph, the sweet, small man in his arms.

and he knew that this was what he was waiting for all along.

 

 

"i love you, joshua dun."

 

 

 

and for the first time in his life, joshua dun smiled.

 

 

 

 

**tuesday, june 18th, 2012**

 

on this day in history, joshua made it past the age of 21.

on this day in history, the fire escape broke.

but on this day in history, they weren't there to see it fall. 

but in this day in history, they left that fire escape to try something new.

and on this day in history, they finally started to live.

 

 

 

_1,576,800 minutes._

_that's how long it took._

_but who's really counting, anyways?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
